What To Do When It's NOT Working

Talking Self (aka the ego) probably won't like this advice.

A few weeks ago, in the middle of August, I hit a wall. No, not literally, but it felt like I wasn’t really getting anywhere with writing, or business, or any of my work in the world. Finances were low. Even my relationships, which are usually on an even keel, were feeling a bit rocky.

I was worried that the upgrade that I’d been so excited about after my July retreat was an illusion. I was right back where I’d started, right? I thought that this lull was the new normal, and it was disappointing, to put it mildly.

It culminated in late August, when my co-leader and I had to make the hard decision to cancel our October in-person retreat, because we hadn’t gotten enough signups to make it work. I was deeply disappointed, and sad - especially since I’d been pointed (by my guides) in the direction of doing more in-person retreats.

A side note for those familiar with Human Design: as a 4/6 Reflector, disappointment is my “not-self theme,” or “the tell-tale feeling that happens when you’re not living your design.”

So, basically I felt really crappy about life and my role in it.

When this happens, like many of us, my first response is to Fix The Problem. But I didn’t do that. After many years of practicing living in the flow, I remembered one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned:

Don’t take action when you’re on the struggle bus.

The day we made the final decision to cancel the retreat, on a Friday, I made a point of leaning into the feelings I was having.

I did what I would advise a client in this same position to do: I cried in the shower to my sad song playlist. I did unrelated stuff that felt nourishing: painted a bookshelf, read a novel, had a good lunch, snuggled with my kitten, and listened to an uplifting call recording from a coaching program I’m enrolled in. I did my best not to recriminate myself. That night BlackLion and I had tickets to an outdoor concert, and I danced and danced.

Over the weekend, I wrote in my journal, and took more time to process my feelings. I got together with some good friends.

On Sunday morning, during my meditation time, I got some downloads about a new in-person retreat I could create. I went swimming with Quester and talked with him about the new ideas. I felt better.

Things started to turn around.

In the past, it might have taken me months, or weeks, to recover from a similar disappointment. This time, by feeling my true feelings, nourishing my spirit, and not forcing solutions, it was a matter of a couple of days.

The key is to go with the flow, with the energy of the cosmos.

Yes, I was pointed in the direction of doing more in-person retreats. No, this magickal retreat that I was so excited about didn’t happen.

Do I know why? No.

Will I ever know? Maybe so, maybe not.

But by not getting all hung up on it, and also not suppressing my feelings around it, I’ve been able to move onward and continue my work in the world.

And I wanna say, a couple solid weeks later, I’m feeling the upgrade again. I’m embracing it fully. I’m expanding on many levels.

In my previous post I mentioned the annual music festival that my family hosts on our land. The picture here is me living my best life, playing on the main stage with Truffle and friends, joyfully upgraded! I’m so thankful.

Will I have more lows? Undoubtedly. Will I continue to practice joy? Of course.

This life on Earth is complex, challenging, and beautiful.

We don’t need to make it harder than it is. Remember, when you’re on that struggle bus, give yourself some grace. It really does help.